Going after those fan fiction monies

Several years ago, I thought of something I'd like to hear Darth Vader say to an employee of a record store.  I decided to write it down finally, but it doesn't really work as non-sequitur.  Therefore I decided to enter the wild world of fan fiction.  Apparently, Amazon is making plans to let fan fiction writers monetize their works. Let's see if I can get in on that with this story.  Enjoy!

Darth Vader's day off:

For routing the Rebel Alliance, capturing Han Solo, and cutting off Luke Skywalker's hand just before spilling the beans about Vader's paternity, the Emperor decided to give Darth Vader a much needed day off. 

Vader spends part of the day browsing at the Bespin record store for something new to add to his music library.  While in the section under the label "F", he begins to murmur to himself.  Soon Vader is flipping through the assortment of CD's more and more furiously.  Finally, he utters a surprised and irritated, "What?" (you know like he did that one time in the movie, can't remember where maybe Death Star trench run when Han Solo shows back up?).

Vader turns to look at the clerk and then back to the CD rack before striding menacingly over to the credits register.  He informs the clerk, "I find your lack of Faith Hill disturbing.  Your paltry selection of modern country hits has failed me for the last time…" Vader glances at the clerk's nametag, "Steve!" 

At this, Vader raises his hand threateningly ready to force choke the life out of poor Steve.  Which is kind of silly since he's really only a couple feet from Steve and could just robot choke him with his bionic arm like he did to the captain of the Tantive IV.  Then again, using the Force choke always gives Vader plausible deniability that a victim just choked to death on their own.  On the other hand, being the number two in the Empire usually comes with free reign to murder anyone you want so we're left assuming Vader can be kind of lazy.

Fearing for his life, Steve exclaims, "Were you looking under "H" for Hill or "F" for Faith?"  Vader pauses.  Steve sputters out, "We put artists using their real names alphabetically by last name!"

Vader glances thoughtfully at the CD rack.  He strides over to the H section.  Sandwiched between Jimi Hendrix and Lauryn Hill are 5 of Faith Hill's 7 albums.  Vader picks up a copy of Cry and returns to the counter where Steve waits with dread. 

"Sorry about that, Steve.  I should have figured or at least just asked.  You know, at my day job I always have to be a real hard case and sometimes I let that drift over into my personal life.  No hard feelings, I hope."

"No, no problem.  I get annoyed, too, when I can't find what I'm looking for.  That'll be 10 credits."

Vader pays and steps out of the record store.  Inside his custom TIE fighter, he puts his new copy of Cry into the CD player and turns the volume up on "Free."  By the time the last few bars of "When the Lights Go Down" have played Vader is thinking about his behavior at the record store.

He thinks to himself, "Yeesh, I was this close to suffocating poor Steve back there because I couldn't find a CD.  Definitely overreacted on that one.  And it's not like it's an isolated incident.  I cut my own son's hand off the other day and then tell him I'm his absentee father?  Who does that?  Is this really what I've come to?"

"I feel like this whole dark side of the Force thing may not be everything Palpatine told me it would be.  I mean, ever since I decided to embrace it I've really turned into a jerk.  There was that time I killed a whole group of younglings.  I could have let the clones do it, or just sold them all into slavery, but I had to go on and cut them all down.  And younglings don't just disintegrate when you hit them with a lightsaber like Ol' Obi Wan did.  That takes years of force training to do.  Poor things."

"I don't know, maybe I really need to take a good long look at my life and figure out if this is really where and who I want to be.  Oh, 'Unsaveable'!  I love this song!  And totally appropriate right now!  So crazy when stuff like that happens.  Well, that's the Force for you."

Roughly one year later, Vader stands silently watching the Emperor fire bolt after bolt of Force lightning into his son.  Just then, the chorus from "Unsaveable" pops into Vader's head.

"Cause baby I cried a little too hard, a little too long

What I though was right was way too wrong

It's too far gone

I can't bring back the love

They just ain't enough

Unavailable, impossible, unsaveable love."

"Ah, nuts to it!" thinks Vader.  Grabbing his Sith Lord Master, Vader hoists him over his head and hurls him to his doom in one of the many inexplicable bottomless pits scattered throughout the Death Star.

As Vader lies dying, Luke removes his father's mask.  Vader sees his son with his own eyes for the first and last time.  He tells Luke to go. 

In the moments before he becomes one with the Force, Vader thinks, "Did I do it?  Was it enough?"

The final lines of "Unsaveable" echo through his mind.

"There's someone out there for me boy

Who thinks I'm beautiful

I've got to go

But baby I've tried, I've tried

Baby I've tried."